The sun was shinning, just like I admire it to be, the beauty of nature was at its best, spent a lovely Sunday afternoon with friends that made me laugh so much, and made me feel so alive..it was a perfect day! or so you would think?
I came back home and hit rock bottom..it hit me and it hit me hard.. that am not the same person anymore, I look different, I see differently, I feel different and am not my old self..
It hit me all of a sudden, it was like a huge wave came over me and I was drowning... I cried uncontrollably.... it also hit me that I had no more tears rolling down my face.. and every bit of crying and sadness just kept getting deeper.... I felt my hair and felt nothing there, I looked at my skin and felt so different...I placed blame on myself, the situations that led to all of this condition, and even felt like I wished I had never made it out alive!.. in those critical few days..
But hold off! I thought to myself I've had my moment, but I will fall down deeper and deeper if I make myself the victim of this situation, and felt sorry for myself, one of the worst emotions you can harvest in your body "self-pity" ..... I need to get back on track.. I need to stand up. my legs seemed weary, my heart heavy my mind sad but I pictured myself standing up, amongst being drowned.. finding my anchor... this is the time I felt the presence of people that had passed..! especially the love and warmth of my two grandfather's who gave me much to think about... and live by...
I felt the presence of a cat Ollie l, we lost recently (some might think this to be quite immature) a cat!? but if you're an animal lover you would connect with what I am saying, and know exactly what I mean.. it was his presence his company..
......and it's strange how on certain days I feel the people that have passed from this journey shinning down on me... It was like a boost to my spirit...
Initially I felt myself falling into that deep dark hole, the hole I have visited before and is not a nice place to be.. I felt so much anger again within. anger towards many things.. and most of all anger for this happening to me.. I see people 'normal' laughing smiling and looking normal..but then again what is normal?
I am beginning to learn that the word 'normal' has a new sense of meaning. normalcy could be anything or any place that is the root cause of your happiness and inner peace.. you have to create it and you have to find it. we are not to judge what another's sense of normal is...or looks like outwardly. .
a lesson well learnt yesterday.. That if we feel sad and down about something, allow yourself to feel it, it's human to feel sad and down, but immediately pick yourself up.. don't feel sorry for yourself.. and make yourself the victim of a situation... just when this thought kept playing in my mind I turned the television on, to a see a man with no limbs who is an inspirational dad, and not a word of complaint from this amazing person...
He suffered and was told he would never make it...and he was the 1% that did make it. Hearing that story of how he's family was given the bad news that he may not make it. brought back emotions and memories of what my family would have gone through when they were told the same news... I was talking to someone else that had survived a near death situation.. and people like us have a new found appreciation for life... we learn that self pity will only dig us a hole maybe even our own grave and take us to the deepest darkest depths, where finding a glimpse of light can be an uphill battle..
But seeing this amazing man that had no limbs and was surviving, I thought to myself what am I complaining about...
My life is perfect, I am blessed each day beyond measure... I have eyes that can see and is improving and a heart that has found the need to understand the finer simpler things in life...I have family that will give anything to see me well, a partner that has proved he will be there for me for the beauty I can nurture within, nothing outward or superficial, and friends that have given me so much love...
Once, years ago when I was about to get my first tattoo done I asked my brother what I should get done, and he gave it a little thought and said get four stars on your back, to represent each member of your family and to always serve as a reminder that we always have your back! how true to this, just like the tattoo never faded away that promise didn't either..
Through the burns the hurt and the self transformation, and more so yesterday I felt the presence of my family, those who are still on this journey, and who have passed... I went out this morning as my heart still carried a little sense of sadness for how I reacted, I stepped out in the garden I felt my world transform there, I was in touch with nature... in touch with the plants my mum had laid down there for us to enjoy...
The wind that sent chills through me, and washed away my sense of sadness and with it brought me love and a new way of looking at a situation.. the warmth and sense of a God that is so faithful and renews his blessings each morning...with brand new mercies for us...
If you are reading this and are going through a situation that is dragging you down, weighing your heart, feel for it and move on don't stay there feeling sorry for yourself or worse yet making yourself the victim of the situation..... it's not worth digging your own hole to depression, I did it once... it led me to a lot of pain..
Enjoy and revel in nature, sometimes walking bear foot in a garden gets you in touch with nature, the sights and sounds soothe your soul and awaken your senses to get in touch with simple things in life... Money can buy a lot of things, but definitely not your inner happiness or peace or great friendships.... and sometime people that are so greedy tend to forget that their greed makes them lose sight of the things money can't buy.... go to nature where it's free, calm and rejuvenating and sense how you find solace in the darkest hours and find the fighter in you to fight it, when you fall...
Thank you to all my inspirations, you know how each and everyone one of you have helped me, and yesterday when I fell down and hard, I realized the many people that have carried me, and how sad they would be , if I remained a fallen soldier... Be the inspiration you are to people daily, for those of you who have helped me a long this journey, that once was a battlefield, but now slowly becoming my fields of gold..
Keep following this blog to find out how I am learning that taking rest is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength to listen to your body... 'rest and relaxation' something I never indulged in because I felt bad....a story about an amazing 'angel' that is helping me out in this daily battle...only because she has been through something life changing, and is stretching out to help.
..and I thank you to those that write to me about my blog and how it's helped you. Your definitely my inspiration to keep writing as I learn. .my blog is a true and real account of how I feel and my experiences on this journey. With one aim to help and restore things we already knew existed within us
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