Sometimes.. we need to face our challenges head on...and that's the best way to overcome it...
Seeing my mum walk out our front door with tears filled in her eyes, emptiness in our hearts and the thought of not knowing when I will see her again....was such a battle from within...I have been doing this for 10 years where I say good bye to them and it doesn't get easier each time... but this time in particular, was very different and much harder because I know the journey we walked together...
She took me from a person that was dying (inside and out) to a fighting soldier who has come out much stronger and braver... she really saw me through that whole journey. Without a word of complaint or blame, it was never a chore to her, but she did it with all her energy and kept saying she wouldn't have it any other way..
All of that unconditional love and care I had to let go, in a matter of minutes.. but let me share with you how I found dealing with this parting much less disheartening and painful..
The bond we created in these two months is so strong, it's a bond like sisters or that of best friends... we cried together and she made me laugh, she showered Cameron and I with so much love and looked after us both with so much of concern... Even for Cameron to see her go proved quite hard as we had some great times.. cooking, gardening, dining, laughing , sharing fond and sad stories and strengthening our bonds, daily...it was a great chance for Cameron to also get to know my family on another level.. and I could see the joy and laughter beaming from his face...
Today when I look back sitting in this empty house I am so grateful for our time together..
When she walked out that door, I honestly felt like I was torn, my pillar that was holing me together was leaving and she definitely took a part of me with her, and she left a good part of her with me too..
Normally when I say my goodbye's to family I would run away from the house, shut the door to the room they occupied and stay away from the house so I don't have to face or feel the emptiness and loneliness...
This time around, I did the complete opposite... When she left for the airport, I stayed home... went into her room felt her presence and that she was gone, felt her every touch and love, and know the house was still filled with such warmth and genuine concern...I cried ... and cried and cried some more... walked into each room and the memories came flooding back, even the garden and the plants she put in there for us, the flowers she left in each room for us and her special cooking she left behind I immersed myself in all those memories...and it helped 'deal' with the pain...
This morning was the worst of them all. I missed her cuddles every morning, and the warm cup of milk and head massage I used to get, along with her daily prayers and strength.. but the beautiful care she left with me, I carried it on this morning, and it reminded me of her sitting right next to me... Facing the fact that she was not here, helped me face one of my worst fears... the fear of 'loss' and of 'sadness'..and emptiness. .
I am sure we all face so many fears in life, but facing it head on accepting that this is how you feel at the moment and letting yourself feel it helps deal with the emotion then and there, rather than build up and explode, any other way..
Even if you have lost a loved one, sometimes we tend to hide away from it and not accept it, or run away from it..
The old me, would have run away from a problem or an emotion..without dealing with it I would have run away in fear .. but through this am shedding the old and making way for the new, and would like to share what I learnt just in these few days, that sometimes in life we should dare to face our fears head on, fight it, battle with it, feel it and move on..
It does your inner self a world of good I have found.. I am still dealing with the new found silence in the house and not having my mum around....I miss her so very much... but I dealt and accepted that she was here, when I needed her the most, she did beyond her call as her mother and now she has to return back to her life and me back to mine..and we can chat ever day..just like we always did..
The scariest things in life can be overcome if we have faith... face our challenges with bravery and cloth ourselves with our faith in God, a genuine heart and the ability to feel each emotion good or bad.. and move on from it...feeling the bad emotions is something I suppose we all run away from or avoid feeling. I am guilty of sweeping the bad emotions under the carpet, letting it build up and exploding!
Seeing my mum walk out our front door with tears filled in her eyes, emptiness in our hearts and the thought of not knowing when I will see her again....was such a battle from within...I have been doing this for 10 years where I say good bye to them and it doesn't get easier each time... but this time in particular, was very different and much harder because I know the journey we walked together...
She took me from a person that was dying (inside and out) to a fighting soldier who has come out much stronger and braver... she really saw me through that whole journey. Without a word of complaint or blame, it was never a chore to her, but she did it with all her energy and kept saying she wouldn't have it any other way..
All of that unconditional love and care I had to let go, in a matter of minutes.. but let me share with you how I found dealing with this parting much less disheartening and painful..
The bond we created in these two months is so strong, it's a bond like sisters or that of best friends... we cried together and she made me laugh, she showered Cameron and I with so much love and looked after us both with so much of concern... Even for Cameron to see her go proved quite hard as we had some great times.. cooking, gardening, dining, laughing , sharing fond and sad stories and strengthening our bonds, daily...it was a great chance for Cameron to also get to know my family on another level.. and I could see the joy and laughter beaming from his face...
Today when I look back sitting in this empty house I am so grateful for our time together..
When she walked out that door, I honestly felt like I was torn, my pillar that was holing me together was leaving and she definitely took a part of me with her, and she left a good part of her with me too..
Normally when I say my goodbye's to family I would run away from the house, shut the door to the room they occupied and stay away from the house so I don't have to face or feel the emptiness and loneliness...
This time around, I did the complete opposite... When she left for the airport, I stayed home... went into her room felt her presence and that she was gone, felt her every touch and love, and know the house was still filled with such warmth and genuine concern...I cried ... and cried and cried some more... walked into each room and the memories came flooding back, even the garden and the plants she put in there for us, the flowers she left in each room for us and her special cooking she left behind I immersed myself in all those memories...and it helped 'deal' with the pain...
This morning was the worst of them all. I missed her cuddles every morning, and the warm cup of milk and head massage I used to get, along with her daily prayers and strength.. but the beautiful care she left with me, I carried it on this morning, and it reminded me of her sitting right next to me... Facing the fact that she was not here, helped me face one of my worst fears... the fear of 'loss' and of 'sadness'..and emptiness. .
I am sure we all face so many fears in life, but facing it head on accepting that this is how you feel at the moment and letting yourself feel it helps deal with the emotion then and there, rather than build up and explode, any other way..
Even if you have lost a loved one, sometimes we tend to hide away from it and not accept it, or run away from it..
The old me, would have run away from a problem or an emotion..without dealing with it I would have run away in fear .. but through this am shedding the old and making way for the new, and would like to share what I learnt just in these few days, that sometimes in life we should dare to face our fears head on, fight it, battle with it, feel it and move on..
It does your inner self a world of good I have found.. I am still dealing with the new found silence in the house and not having my mum around....I miss her so very much... but I dealt and accepted that she was here, when I needed her the most, she did beyond her call as her mother and now she has to return back to her life and me back to mine..and we can chat ever day..just like we always did..
The scariest things in life can be overcome if we have faith... face our challenges with bravery and cloth ourselves with our faith in God, a genuine heart and the ability to feel each emotion good or bad.. and move on from it...feeling the bad emotions is something I suppose we all run away from or avoid feeling. I am guilty of sweeping the bad emotions under the carpet, letting it build up and exploding!
So be it a loss a heartache, a worry, hurt deal with it or deal with the person or emotion causing it.. it helps avoid a whole lot of toxins getting into our body's. When we live in a world that is consumed by being fake about thier looks, or appearances outwardly and back stabbing attitudes. It takes courage to find within that tool to deal with whatever it is that bothers you. Head on..
This is the new me, and am still learning to deal with my sadness and emptiness, and overcoming it with feeling the moment, and then moving on to the good times.. Mum says " life is filled with the mountains and the valley's, we must learn to accept them both and deal with them both the same"..
My reality is slowly but surely sinking in life and everything else is going back to how things were, before I became ill . physically am not quite there yet. .. but I have faith that will also come back...
This is the new me, and am still learning to deal with my sadness and emptiness, and overcoming it with feeling the moment, and then moving on to the good times.. Mum says " life is filled with the mountains and the valley's, we must learn to accept them both and deal with them both the same"..
My reality is slowly but surely sinking in life and everything else is going back to how things were, before I became ill . physically am not quite there yet. .. but I have faith that will also come back...
the lessons I have learnt from it, is making me see life so differently...in a new light.. with new hope.. Sometimes, people that suffer from life threatening conditions have a whole new perspective and a new lens on life.. the lens of appreciation for every little thing, and situation and a new found faith in themselves, and their God and new found respect for family and friends that surround them
I have received so much concern from people just to see how I am holding up, after mum has gone back.. and if you are reading this , Thank you, so very special for thinking of us and the concern and care all of you have shown us be it if I know you directly or through a friend or family, I am still in awe and have the utmost respect for you...
It's little gestures, like this that make a huge difference in our lives and definitely what saw me and my family through a rough patch..such amazing souls within. .
Keep following this blog, with more lessons of learning to live in my new skin, the battles I still fight from within, the amazing healing stories and more extraordinary people that have made my journey lighter...
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